How to Make Yourself a Priority (Without Feeling Selfish About It)
You say yes to the extra shift, the favour, the group plan you didn’t really want, and at eleven at night you realise the only person you haven’t made time for today is you.
If that sounds familiar, you’re in good company, and I’ve had whole months like that.
Making yourself a priority means putting your own basic needs, sleep, food, rest, and a bit of joy, on the list before the list is full.
It isn’t selfish, and I’ll try to convince you of that before the end of this post.
It’s also less dramatic than it sounds, because most of it comes down to small decisions you make every day.
Why It’s So Hard to Put Yourself First
One of the first ideas in economics is that resources are scarce.
Some things feel almost unlimited, but time never is, and neither is the amount of you there is to go around.
Every time you say yes to something, you’re spending a bit of that time and energy, and economists call what you give up the opportunity cost.
The trouble is that other people’s requests are loud and specific, and your own needs are quiet and easy to postpone.
So the hour you’d set aside for a walk quietly becomes the hour you help someone move a sofa, and nobody, including you, notices what was lost.
Signs You’ve Slipped Down Your Own List
You’re tired in a way that a weekend doesn’t fix.
You can’t remember the last thing you did purely because you enjoyed it.
You feel a small flash of resentment when someone asks for help, and then guilt about the resentment.
Your meals are mostly whatever’s quickest, eaten standing up.
And when someone asks what you’d like to do, you genuinely don’t know, because you haven’t asked yourself in a while.
If two or three of these ring true, it’s time to move yourself up the list.
Ten Small Ways to Make Yourself a Priority
1. Protect your sleep first
Everything else on this list is harder when you’re tired.
Pick a time to stop working and screens for the night, and treat it like an appointment.
2. Put yourself in the calendar before anyone else
At the start of the week, block out time for one thing that’s just for you, a walk, a class, a long bath, a book.
When someone asks for that slot, you can honestly say you already have plans.
3. Do one small thing a day that’s only for you
It can be ten minutes with a cup of tea and no phone.
Small and daily beats big and rare, and I keep a whole list of simple pleasures for days when I can’t think of one.
4. Say “I don’t” instead of “I can’t”
This sounds like a tiny change, but it works.
In a study published in the Journal of Consumer Research, people who framed refusals as “I don’t” rather than “I can’t” found it easier to stick to their choices, and in one experiment 64 percent of the “I don’t” group picked a granola bar over chocolate, compared with 39 percent of the “I can’t” group.
The researchers’ explanation is that “I don’t” sounds like a decision about who you are, while “I can’t” sounds like a rule someone else made.
“I don’t take work calls after seven” holds up much better than “I can’t really talk right now.”
5. Stop over-explaining
A long explanation invites negotiation.
A short, kind answer usually ends the conversation, and if you need encouragement, my I don’t owe anyone an explanation quotes are full of it.
6. Eat proper meals
Sitting down to a real meal is one of the simplest ways to tell yourself you matter.
It doesn’t have to be fancy, my go-to is a two-minute salad with butter beans, but it should be eaten sitting down.
7. Move your body in a way you like
Not as a punishment, and not to look a certain way.
A walk, a stretch, a dance in the kitchen, whatever makes you feel more like yourself afterwards.
8. Spend less time with people who drain you
You don’t have to cut anyone off to protect your energy.
Shorter visits, fewer replies, and a bit more distance often do the job, and I wrote more about this in dealing with difficult people.
9. Ask for help
People who are always helping often find it hardest to ask.
Most of your friends would be glad to return the favour, and asking gives them the chance.
10. Check in with yourself once a week
On Sunday evening, ask yourself one question: did I do anything this week just for me?
If the answer is no, put one thing in next week’s calendar before anything else goes in.
What to Say When You’re Putting Yourself First
When a friend asks for a favour you don’t have time for
Instead of: “Oh, I’m so sorry, it’s just that I’ve got this and this and this, and I really wish I could, but…”
Try: “I can’t make that one, I’ve got plans. Hope it goes well!”
The plans can be with yourself and your sofa, and they still count.
When work asks you to stay late again
Instead of: “Sure, no problem,” while silently cancelling your evening.
Try: “I’m leaving at six today. I can pick this up first thing tomorrow.”
Offering a time you can do it makes the boundary feel helpful rather than difficult.
When family expects you to be everywhere
Instead of: Saying yes to every visit and every event, then dreading them.
Try: “I’ll come for lunch, but I’ll head off around three.”
Showing up for part of something is often better for everyone than showing up exhausted for all of it.
When you need a night in
Instead of: Inventing an excuse.
Try: “I’m staying in tonight, I need a quiet one. Let’s do something next week?”
Honesty is easier than you think, and it saves you from keeping track of the excuse.
When the Guilt Shows Up
It will, especially at the beginning.
Feeling guilty usually just means you’re doing something new.
Remember the safety demonstration on a plane: you’re asked to put on your own oxygen mask before helping anyone else.
You don’t matter more than anyone else on the plane, but you can’t help anyone for long if you can’t breathe.
The people who love you will get a better version of you, more patient, less resentful, and actually present.
And the ones who only liked you when you never said no will show you, quite clearly, which is useful information too.
Make It Stick With a Few Boundaries
Making yourself a priority once is easy, but keeping it up takes a little structure.
A few clear time boundaries, like an end to your working day and one evening a week that’s yours, do most of the work for you.
Saying no gets easier with practice, and learning to say no is where I started.
A slower pace helps too, and I gathered what works for me in slow living tips.
And Remember
Time is the one resource you can never get more of, and the amount of you is limited too.
Spending some of it on yourself is what lets you keep giving the rest.
Start with one hour this week that belongs only to you.
Protect it like you’d protect a friend’s birthday dinner, because you deserve the same.
Frequently Asked Questions
What does it mean to make yourself a priority? It means putting your basic needs, like sleep, proper meals, rest, and time for things you enjoy, into your schedule before it fills up with other people’s requests. It’s about balance, not ignoring others.
Is it selfish to make yourself a priority? No. Looking after yourself is what makes it possible to keep caring for others without burning out, the same idea as putting on your own oxygen mask first on a plane.
How do I start putting myself first? Begin small: protect your sleep, block one hour a week for yourself in your calendar, and practise short, kind refusals instead of long explanations.
How do I stop feeling guilty for prioritizing myself? Expect the guilt at first and treat it as a sign you’re doing something new, not something wrong. It usually fades as people adjust and you see the benefits.
What should I say when I need to say no? Keep it short and kind, for example “I can’t make that one, I’ve got plans” or “I’m leaving at six today, I’ll pick this up tomorrow.” Framing it as “I don’t” rather than “I can’t” can make it easier to stick to.