How to Live a Happier Life: What Actually Helps (and What Doesn’t)
If you’re like me, you’ve spent years waiting for happiness to arrive with the next thing: the next holiday, the next flat, the next job, the end of exams.
Then the thing arrives, it’s lovely for a few weeks, and you start waiting for the one after it.
Years ago I wrote here that too many of us spend most of our lives just waiting, and I still think that’s the biggest happiness trap there is.
Living a happier life means building more good moments into ordinary days, rather than saving all your happiness for the occasional big event.
My own definition hasn’t changed much in all these years: happiness is feeling how I want to feel, doing what I want to do, and being at peace.
Here’s what research suggests actually helps, what helps less than we think, and the small things I do myself.
Is Happiness a Choice?
Partly, and I’d be careful with anyone who tells you it’s entirely up to you.
You may have seen a famous pie chart claiming that 40 percent of happiness is under our control, from a 2005 paper by Sonja Lyubomirsky and colleagues.
It’s a hopeful idea, but later researchers found little evidence for such a neat split, and the original authors have since agreed the pie chart deserved the criticism.
What does hold up is that our habits, relationships, and choices make a real difference, even if nobody can give you the exact percentage.
So choosing happiness, for me, means choosing the things that tend to lead to it, again and again, rather than deciding to feel happy and hoping it sticks.
And if you’re going through depression or grief, happiness isn’t a matter of choice at all, and getting support from a doctor or therapist is the kind and sensible step.
What Research Says Actually Helps
1. Close relationships
If you only remember one thing from this post, make it this one.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has followed people since 1938, found that close relationships were better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes.
Call the friend, go to the dinner, and make time for the people who make you feel like yourself.
If you’re short on friends right now, my guide on how to find good friends is a gentle place to start.
2. Giving to others
In a well-known experiment, people who were given money to spend on someone else ended the day happier than people who spent the same money on themselves.
It doesn’t have to be money, because time, help, and attention count too.
I collected small ways to give in what can I do to change the world.
3. Paying attention to what you’re doing
In a large study using phone check-ins, people’s minds wandered almost half the time, and they were less happy when their minds wandered than when they were focused on what they were doing.
That one surprised me, and it’s a big part of why I keep slowing down, which I wrote about in slow living tips.
4. Moving your body
Exercise is one of the most reliable mood lifters we know about, and a study of over a million people found that those who exercised reported fewer days of poor mental health, although a study like that can’t prove which causes which.
It doesn’t need to be intense, and a walk counts.
5. Buying time instead of things
In research published in PNAS, people who spent money to save themselves time, by paying for help with tasks they disliked, reported greater life satisfaction.
Owning less works in a similar way, because there’s simply less to clean, fix, and manage.
6. Noticing the good
Writing down three good things each day for a week left people happier six months later in one well-known study.
My list of simple pleasures is basically years of this habit written down.
7. Sleep
Everything feels harder when you’re tired, and everything on this list is easier after a good night’s sleep.
Protecting your sleep is one of the least glamorous and most effective things you can do.
What Helps Less Than We Think
More stuff
New things give a lift that fades quickly, and a large review of studies found that people who put more importance on possessions and money tend to report lower well-being.
I wrote more about this in living with less.
Waiting for milestones
The degree, the promotion, the move, the wedding are all lovely, and none of them keep you happy on their own for long.
If happiness is always at the next milestone, you’ll spend most of your life on the way to it.
Comparison
Comparing your life to the highlights of other people’s is a fast way to feel worse about a perfectly good day.
Muting a few accounts is one of the quickest happiness improvements I’ve ever made.
How to Learn to Be Happy, Day to Day
Happiness is partly a skill, and like any skill, it gets easier with practice.
Start the morning with one small ritual that’s just for you, and I shared some ideas in daily rituals.
Take one walk a day, ideally somewhere green, without your phone in your hand.
Reach out to one person each day, even with a two-line message.
Do one kind thing for someone else.
Notice one good thing and stay with it for a few seconds longer.
And end the day by writing down three things that went well.
None of these are dramatic, which is exactly why they work.
Why I Think Minimalism Makes People Happier
For me, minimalism has always been about freedom.
When you stop needing to buy more, you’re less tied to a job you dislike, less worried about money, and less bothered by what other people think you should own.
That freedom leaves more time and money for the things that actually make people happy: relationships, experiences, giving, and rest.
The empty shelves were never the point, and what fills the space instead is where the happiness comes from.
If you’d like to start, my minimalist lifestyle post covers the first steps.
When Happiness Feels Out of Reach
If you’ve felt low, empty, or hopeless for more than a couple of weeks, please don’t treat it as something to fix with a list of tips.
Talk to a doctor or mental health professional, because depression is common and treatable.
If you’re in the US and in crisis, you can call or text 988 at any time, and elsewhere your local emergency number or a crisis line can help.
And Remember
The next holiday, flat, or job will be lovely, but it was never going to carry all of your happiness on its own.
Happiness lives mostly in ordinary days, in people, small kindnesses, a walk, a good night’s sleep, and paying attention.
Stop waiting for the next thing, and pick one small habit from this post to start this week.
Feeling how you want to feel, doing what you want to do, and being at peace is closer than it looks.
Frequently Asked Questions
How can I live a happier life? Invest in close relationships, give to others, pay attention to what you’re doing, move your body, protect your sleep, buy time rather than things, and notice good moments each day.
Is happiness a choice? Partly. Your circumstances and genes matter, and the popular claim that 40 percent of happiness is under your control doesn’t hold up well. But your habits, relationships, and choices do make a real difference.
How do I learn to be happy? Treat it as a skill: build small daily habits like a morning ritual, a walk, reaching out to someone, a kind act, and writing down three good things each evening.
What is the biggest predictor of happiness? Long-term research, including the Harvard Study of Adult Development, found close relationships were better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or genes.
Does having more things make you happier? Not for long. Research links putting a high value on possessions and money with lower well-being, while time, relationships, and experiences tend to matter more.
What should I do if I can’t feel happy at all? If you’ve felt low or hopeless for more than a couple of weeks, talk to a doctor or mental health professional. In a crisis in the US, call or text 988.