Dark Humor Quotes: Gallows Wit From Writers, Films and Gravestones

Dark humor quotes get a laugh out of something that isn’t funny on paper, usually death, war or bad luck. A well-documented example is Mark Twain’s reply in 1897, when American papers reported he was dying in London: “The report of my death was an exaggeration.” It was his cousin who had been ill.

The quotes below are grouped by where they come from, and each one has a source. Popular dark jokes that carry the wrong name are in their own section near the end.

What counts as dark humor

Dark humor, also called black humor or black comedy, jokes about subjects most people treat as off-limits. The term comes from the French surrealist André Breton, whose 1940 Anthology of Black Humor named Jonathan Swift as the writer who started it.

Gallows humor is the narrower version. It is the joke made by the person facing the worst, about their own situation. Sigmund Freud’s example, in his 1927 essay “Humour,” is a prisoner being led to the gallows on a Monday who says, “Well, the week’s beginning nicely.”

Dark humor quotes from writers

“In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” — Benjamin Franklin, letter to Jean-Baptiste Le Roy, November 13, 1789.

“Ask for me tomorrow, and you shall find me a grave man.” — Mercutio in Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, Act 3, Scene 1. He makes the pun after Tybalt has stabbed him, and he dies a few lines later.

“So it goes.” — Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five, 1969. The narrator repeats it after every death in the book, large or small.

“He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.” — Joseph Heller, Catch-22, 1961, Chapter 3, describing the bombardier Yossarian. The novel’s running joke is that Yossarian takes the war personally, on the grounds that the enemy keeps shooting at him.

“Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again.” — Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, 1979, Chapter 18. The petunias and a sperm whale have just been called into existence several miles above a planet.

Ambrose Bierce’s The Devil’s Dictionary (1911) is a whole book of dark definitions. Four of the shortest:

“Birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters.”

“Hearse, n. Death’s baby-carriage.”

“Longevity, n. Uncommon extension of the fear of death.”

“Epitaph, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect.”

Swift’s 1729 pamphlet A Modest Proposal is the classic long-form example. With a straight face, it suggests that poor Irish families sell their babies to the rich, since “a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food.” Swift’s target was the landlords and English policies that were starving Ireland’s poor.

Dark humor quotes from films and TV

“‘Tis but a scratch.” — the Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, 1975, after King Arthur cuts off his arm. Arthur replies, “A scratch? Your arm’s off!” With both arms gone, the knight calls it “Just a flesh wound.”

“This is an ex-parrot!” — the customer (John Cleese) returning a dead parrot to a pet shop in the “Dead Parrot” sketch, Monty Python’s Flying Circus, 1969.

“Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room!” — President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers) in Dr. Strangelove, 1964, a comedy about an accidental nuclear war.

Dark humor in epitaphs and last words

“Excuse my dust.” — Dorothy Parker’s suggested epitaph, published in Vanity Fair in 1925. The phrase was a slogan drivers put on the backs of cars. When her ashes were placed in a memorial garden at the NAACP’s Baltimore headquarters in 1988, the plaque quoted it.

“I told you I was ill.” — Spike Milligan’s chosen epitaph. The diocese would not allow it in English, so his headstone at St Thomas’s Church in Winchelsea, East Sussex, carries it in Irish: “Dúirt mé leat go raibh mé breoite.”

“I told you I was sick.” — the headstone of B. P. “Pearl” Roberts (1929–1979) in Key West Cemetery, Florida.

“That’s All Folks!” — Mel Blanc’s headstone at Hollywood Forever Cemetery in Los Angeles. Blanc voiced Porky Pig, who signed off Looney Tunes cartoons with the line.

“My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go.” — Oscar Wilde in Paris in 1900, weeks before he died, as recorded in Richard Ellmann’s biography. The tidier “Either that wallpaper goes or I do” is a later rewrite.

“Turn me over. I’m done on this side.” — what Saint Lawrence is said to have told the Romans roasting him on a gridiron in 258. It is legend rather than record, but it is the reason he is a patron saint of cooks and comedians.

Short dark humor lines for captions

These are unattributed, so you can use them without a credit.

“Plan for the worst. It’s usually on time.”

“I’m not a pessimist. I’ve just read the ending.”

“My bucket list is mostly naps.”

“Mortality: the one subscription you can’t cancel.”

“I’ve picked my funeral songs. They’re upbeat, to confuse people.”

Dark humor quotes with the wrong name on them

“Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.” Twain’s 1897 reply, printed in the New York Journal, said “The report of my death was an exaggeration.” Other newspapers added “greatly” within days, and Twain used that version himself when he retold the story in 1906.

“I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers.” This is often credited to Will Rogers or the humorist Jack Handey. We could not tie it to either, so run it unattributed.

“Now is not the time for making new enemies.” This is supposed to be Voltaire’s answer when a priest at his deathbed asked him to renounce the devil. Quote Investigator traced the joke back to 1795, told about an anonymous prisoner in London, and found it pinned on Voltaire only in the 1970s.

The “just the facts, ma’am” quote went the same way: a tidier misquote replaced what was actually said.

Where dark humor works

Dark humor is a well-known coping habit in jobs that deal with death and injury, including nursing, paramedic work, policing and firefighting. It tends to land when the person joking is the one in the hard spot, or when everyone in the room shares it.

It misfires when it is aimed at someone else’s fresh loss. Keep the epitaph jokes for a group chat or a Halloween party, and leave them out of a sympathy card unless the family has set that tone.

For a yearbook, check your school’s rules first, because some schools reject anything about death. Our list of crazy senior quotes has funny lines that are less likely to get pulled. If you are quoting a film line in an essay, see how to quote a movie for the citation format.

FAQ

What is a dark humor quote?

A line that gets a laugh out of a grim subject such as death, illness, war or failure. Twain’s “The report of my death was an exaggeration” is a classic example.

Who coined the term “black humor”?

André Breton, the French surrealist, in his 1940 Anthology of Black Humor. He named Jonathan Swift as its originator.

Is liking dark humor a sign of intelligence?

One study points that way. In a 2017 paper in the journal Cognitive Processing, 156 adults rated dark cartoons, and those who understood and enjoyed them most scored higher on verbal and nonverbal intelligence tests. It is a single study with a small sample.

Did Mark Twain say “reports of my death are greatly exaggerated”?

Not in those words in 1897. His reply that year was “The report of my death was an exaggeration.”